My Obsession with Food
Ever since I can remember I have been at the very least mildly obsessed with food. As I became older the obsession became so much more real and took on a life of its own. I always try looking back at my life to find the “why!?” behind my food obsession. With no avail, I always come up empty. I have never had any serious issues or traumatic experiences (like the people on ‘My 600 lb Life’) to make me turn to food like I do. Then, one day it just clicked. I’m an emotional eater not out of an emotion like; sadness, fear or anger but I eat when I am happy and feel love or want to remember good times. I like food because it reminds me of happy times: family vacations, movie night (at the movies and at home), circuses, fairs, day trips, apple picking (cider donuts), birthday dinners (and cakes), hot cocoa and cookies after playing in the snow, baking with my mom, fishing with my dad and bringing the fish home, mall pretzels after shopping, mini golfing and ice cream in the summer, BBQ’s, family parties, and of course holidays… I could go on and on.
My life pretty much revolved around food but I don’t ever remember having food related anxiety until college. I can almost remember when it started. I was really shy, I still am pretty shy, and living in a sorority house with a bunch of girls I didn’t know very well and wasn’t all that comfortable around. Most of them were thinner than I was and it was embarrassing to go down to the kitchen to get food. I would literally have to work up the courage to go down and get a bagel at night if I was hungry, some nights I never made it. It was awful. Also, we weren’t provided with much food either. Bagels, cream cheese, crackers, ranch, milk, and oj. We also had dinner cooked for us Sunday-Thursday. Nothing on Friday or Saturday nights and no lunches. Before dropping me off each semester my parents and I would get some bulk foods from BJ’s (think Costco or Sam’s Club) but that wouldn’t last me long. I never really had much money in college so I couldn’t supplement by going to the grocery store. I think with the food being scarcer than I was used to at home is when the “I’ve gotta have it” feeling kicked in since I wasn’t sure when I would get more food again. When I get that way my heart races, my palms sweat and I feel like I’m having an anxiety attack I guess you could say. I cannot stop focusing on the food. A good example of this is maybe a year ago I made a pan of brownies (back when I would have zero track Saturday’s) and my daughter was napping so my husband and I watched ‘Tammy’ (love that movie) and I had a brownie. Then I had another brownie, and another and another. I was probably feeling pretty gross and sick at this point but it didn’t stop me. The brownies were in the kitchen calling my name. It was impossible to stop. I ate all the brownies that day, my husband probably had a few but I was the true culprit. Why!? Why do I do that. It’s not like I would have never had a brownie again for the rest of my life. (side note: anytime that movie is on I now associate it with brownies and automatically want to eat some!)
I don’t understand why my mind just goes haywire. I was able to lose 80 lbs. but I wasn’t able to lose my anxiety and tendencies towards foods. This is a huge reason I felt like I HAD to do something like the Whole30 program. There was no way for me to detox without trying an elimination plan. As it was I was trying to be so good following Weight Watchers (which does work if you work the plan) but I just was stuck on this cycle of eating well and then falling off the wagon. I had to try something new and it had to be a plan that I wasn’t allowed to eat added sugar (AKA my obsession). This isn’t to say that I will never fall back into my old ways, in fact it’s pretty much expected, and that is why I can always re-set with another round of Whole30. I’m not cured, I probably never will be, but having diminished cravings most of the time is a HUGE win in my book! Besides, who wants to live a life completely without brownies?! 🙂
Does anyone else have food related anxiety?
Any tips/tricks that help you get over a craving?